M O R E .      T O M O R R O   

Feb. 4, 2012

Atkinson Street, Cincinnati OH 45219

Ole’ Girl Got a Hook

 Back to the straight edge house for a night of 80s themed partying. Except mass shit happened at this party and zero of it had to do with the 80s. I don’t even think we were listening to 80s music.

 Anyways, shit started off slow and I just kicked it in the living room with my boy and this girl. Then I saw this girl who fucked one of my friends and described his dick as being a “moose cock.” She was drunk as fuck when she came up to me and I asked her if she was going to fuck the moose cock tonight. She looked me dead in the eyes and said yes. Girl was thirsty to get her shit busted wide open.

 So the girl disappears and I wander into the kitchen and find what I was looking for. Flavor ice. These girls do not disappoint. I go to town on my popsicles and the girl that lives there runs in the house, turns off the music and tells us we all have to go and then runs out of the room. No one left and we turned the music back on. Once the girl got the hint that no one was leaving, she stood up on this table and just yelled, “If the cops ask what happened, I did not beat some bitches ass.”

 Apparently the super drunk moose cock girl got kicked out and refused to leave. When she tried to walk back in, the girls that lived at the house smacked a bitch up. I heard she got thrown off the porch. Hearsay? Maybe. Tight? Fuck yeah.

 Things started to cool off after the cop’s left and then this girl straight up fell off the back porch. Like leaned on a railing and busted that motherfucker to pieces. It was insane. She fell a good five feet straight to her head. She started crying and that was the cue for the team to roll out.

 All in all, not what I expected. And god damn. That porch was fucked up after she tore through it.

Music: 2 stars.

Alcohol: 2 stars.

Girls: 4 stars.

Weirdness: 5 stars.

Pea Heads: 3 stars.

 Overall: 5 out of 10 stars.

Feb. 4, 2012

 Chickasaw Street, Cincinnati OH 45219

 How to Party in 20 Minutes or Less

 One of the boys got a text from this dude that said, “Got a rug for the team to cut.” Pretty damn good text to get when you got nothing to do on a Saturday night. So we roll over to this party with about 18 people. We roll thick.

 First thing we see when we walk up to the party is a huge black guy fighting this little white boy who was wearing a cowboy hat made out of Natty Light boxes. Needless to say, the little white dudes girlfriend had to break up the fight before he died.

 So everyone rolled into the back yard and it was pea soup in that bitch. Never seen so many god damn pea heads in my life. What’s a boy to do?

 Head into the basement next to see if we can find the dance floor. And we find it. But it was a little crowded. About 40 people were crammed in this basement and a little light was hanging from the ceiling. Below this light were a bunch of couples just chilling. Well the guys were standing there doing nothing while the girls were rubbing their bums on the dude’s dicks. It was awkward.

 Shout out to my boy DJ Aladdin, the weird Indian kid who was playing music through his computer speakers, for playing “Ass” though. The team pushed their way to the center of the floor, moved the couples and straight killed it for the whole song. Then everyone got pissed and basically forced us outside. And outside was even more insane.

Everyone was trying to fight everyone else. It was straight up like Mad Max, Thunderdome shit.

And on the side of the house, this girl was throwing up and some dude was standing next to her and his boy came up and said “Looks like you got it in the bag. Nice catch.” Then they both slapped hands and were generally pleased with themselves for being alright with rape.

Had to leave at that point. But not before selling five beers for five bucks. Woot woot.

And if anyone knows Steve, tell him his friend is probably still lying in the bathroom, bleeding. Some guy wanted us to find Steve. So I’m trying now.

Music: 5 stars.

Alcohol: 1 star.

Girls: 1 star.

Weirdness: 5 stars.

Pea Heads: 5 stars.

Overall: 5 out of 10 stars. 

Feb. 10, 2012

Lyon Street, Cincinnati OH 45219

Brofest 2012

 I walk over to this house to meet up with this girl and I am quickly immersed into the epicenter of brodom. I mean this is literally the place they breed big huge dudes with muscles and girls with Uggs and sloppy ponytails. It was insane.

So I burst up in this bitch and find the girl I was looking for chilling over in the corner of this house with some people. I linger around for a little and talk to her but I started feeling the overwhelming urge to dance but the DJ was blowing it. So I wondered over to the DJ and told him to put on “ASS” because I knew the betties would be feeling it.

They fucking felt it. The betties came out of the woodwork to cut a fat rug. I seen some girls straight dropping that shit.

 And then the party sucked again.

 We all went outside to smoke a cigarette and of course someone is getting thrown out. I started barking at the dude getting thrown out and yelling shit at him. This immediately made me cool with the dudes who lived at the house. We’re BFF’s now.

Then we left.

Music: 1 star.

Alcohol: 1 star.

Girls: 3 stars.

Weirdness: 5 stars.

Pea Heads: 5 stars.

Overall: 2 out of 10 stars.

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            Jan. 7, 2011

 Wheeler Street Cincinnati OH 45219

Happy B-Day Bro

 We roll over to this party because some betty promised us there would be 150 tall boys chilling in the fridge ready for our consumption. I mean how the fuck can you pass that up?

 Basically, no one is there when we get there and the promise of 150 tall boys happened to be a lie. Instead the fridge was full of 120 Keystone Light 16oz cans. I mean it isn’t a tall boy but it was a beacon of hope that the party might be a good time.

 Turns out the party was a surprise birthday party for some dude and right before he came to the party everyone is hiding behind shit like they do in the movies and me and my boy get pushed to the front of the crowd, right in front of the door. So this dude walks in, this dude we do not know at all, and the first people he sees are me and my boy. We did what anyone would do in that situation. We offered him a beer and told him we had to shotgun it for his birthday. He was hyped.

 People were psyched on us after that. Just kept making mass jokes and barking and shit and the boys at the party loved it.

 But the dance floor was shitty. It sounded like they were playing that shit off a cell phone. It as weak.

 So we headed out and played with my dudes laser pointer on the porch. Then this other dude comes out of the party and says he has a better laser pointer and whips it out of his pocket. This shit was grade A. He popped a god damn balloon by pointing the laser pointer at it.

Then Rager Kid showed up and took us to another party.

Music:1

Alcohol:4

Girls:2.5

Weirdness:4

Pea Heads:3

Overall:5 

Jan. 27, 2011

Atkinson Street, Cincinnati OH 45219

 It was Straight (Edge)

As we walked over to this party we were pretty sure our friends were fucking with us, telling us to go to some random house nobody was at because they wouldn’t answer our phone calls. When we got to the house, we straight up had to pull the trigger and just barge that shit. It worked out. There was a party there.

 Shit was all right. It was a straight edge party but most of the people there were still partying kind of hard. The girl who lived there gave me a hug right when I walked in and then she gave me all these rules about not standing on shit and not fucking shit up and all this other bullshit I didn’t listen to. Apparently people know I make parties fun. Fuck it.

                              (Wanderlei Silva was there, He’s got bitches.)

 So basically me and my boy were chilling waiting for our friends to get there. We didn’t really do much for like an hour but chill on this couch. Then we decided to raid this fridge. But before we even made it to the kitchen I decided to show everyone my tummy and I had a half dollar sized ball of lint in my belly button. I keep my lint hand on swoll brah.

 Stole some popsicles from this fridge and I gave this really high kid a Popsicle and in return he showed me a super sick stomach tattoo. Totally worth the trade.

 Then my friend tried to get some kid to fight me because he thought I hit this girl with a popsicle, when in all reality I was actually just cheersing her with my popsicle. Cheersing popsicles in the new shit. Hash tag that shit.

                                                      (Yeah,Ragin.)

 Next I decided to break rule number one; no dancing on the table. I immediately knocked over a drink and people were not feeling it. Especially this little bitch ass dog that was barking at me. So I barked back at this feral beast and it straight bit me in the nose. Apparently dogs do not like to be barked at as much as the betties do.

 Some other dumb shit happened. This girl kept trying to make fun of me, some girl with blue hair was grinding and killing it and we put stickers on shit.

Then this girl came and picked me up. Shit was tight.

Music: 4 stars.

Alcohol: 1 star.

Girls: 3 stars.

Weirdness: 4 stars.

Pea Heads: 3 stars.

Overall: 6 out of 10 stars. 

Jan. 15, 2011

Stratford Street Cincinnati OH 45219

Sunday Night Rager

 Bro parties are the coolest when people know how to party. I got mega college with these dudes who were the most stereotypical college kids I have partied with in my life. They were literally wearing college t-shirts and playing drinking games they made up for different video games while we pre-gamed. It was epic. I was in to it.

Anyways, we roll over to this party and immediately you are given two choices when you walk in the door. You either head up these stairs to who-knows-what or you head to the right into a room with a dance floor. Dance floor was chosen.

So me and the dude who rolled over there were chilling, waiting for the floor to pop off but it never did because they were listening to the worst music ever and their setup kept turning off. It was fucking bogus. After the 1000 time the music stopped, and I was slipping into a severe depression about my choices for the night, I hear a beacon of hope blasting through the walls. Somewhere in the house someone was playing “Rack City.”

Either someone was raging solo in their room or there was more to this party Thank I had previously thought. So I decide to investigate a little and head up the stairs I first saw when I walked in.

HALLELJUH!

People were straight crushing it up stairs. There were about 100 more people upstairs dancing and chilling. It was so awesome. And people were dancing on the tables and shit. I had found where I needed to be the whole time.

Needless to say, I found an empty table, hopped on and straight murdered that table.

It was a damn good Sunday night.

Music: 4 stars.

Alcohol: 1 star.

Girls: 4 stars.

Weirdness: 5 stars.

Pea Heads: 5 stars.

Overall: 7 stars out of ten. 

           Jan. 7, 2011

Victor and Warner Street Cincinnati OH 45219

You Want to Play, Boy?

 Rager Kid takes us over to this party we had walked by before that had strobe lights going on in the basement. We meant to go later, so it was cool that we had an invited so it wouldn’t be as strange as rolling up solo.

 This party was thick with pea heads and bro girls, but whatever, we can roll with that shit. Anyways, this girl rolled up to my boy and says she knows him and they went to school together and that he takes real cool pictures. Then she disappeared. He didn’t even know who she was. Probably a stalker.

 The basement was where the real party was. It was suppose to be a highlighter party but we wore black so it didn’t work out that great for us. Not that it mattered. The dance floor was being occupied by two couples making out. We booted them off the floor and started crushing. The ladies noticed and came over and danced with us, but their pea head boy friends were not feeling it. Fuck them.

 Then this dude starts throwing laundry detergent all over the place and throws some right in my dudes in. I thought it was funny. He didn’t. So he grabbed his laser pointer and from about two feet away, starts pointing it right in this kids eye. He was not happy and tried to fight us. We told him to fuck off and walked upstairs.

 This girl comes at us all sideways right away asking whom we knew at the party and my boy just looks at her and says “You. What’s good, girl?”

 We proceeded to walk outside and drink a few out in the yard. That’s when the boys rolled up and tried to break up the party.

 So Officer BallDick gets out of his cruiser, looks right at my boy and says “If you are over 21 and you want to stay, we can play,” and then immediately walks up on the porch and starts demanding ID’s. We still have no idea what the fuck that means.

 Crushed the beer, tossed it in the yard and headed home.

 Music:4

Alcohol:2

Girls:2.5

Weirdness:4

Pea Heads:STRONG 5

 Overall:7

Jan. 28, 2011

Molly Malone’s, Covington KY 41011

 Bar Party

 Normally we don’t rate bar shit, but people think my boy is a DJ and keep asking him to throw parties for them and then they say some shit to people like “it’s a FUCKN PARTYTIME party.” Whatever. We aim to please.

 The bar was pretty tight. We got a free keg of beer to sip on for free because the birthday boy bought it. Nice guy.

 About one drink in though I really had to shit. So I go to the bathroom early before mass people are waiting in line. I try to lock the door but it refuses to cooperate and my bowels are about to explode. So I shit in this bathroom without locking the door. Anyone could have walked in. Luckily no one did.

 Basically did a whole lot of chilling for a long time until a bunch of my friends left the bar and went to my house and rearranged my house without me knowing. My bedroom was in my living room when I stumbled home at 4 am. It was a shocking experience.

 Anyways, while they were gone, I had no one cool to chill with so I kicked it with my ex girlfriend. It was alright. She can still make some funny jokes.

 Then this kid, who was also having his birthday party at the bar, went into the women’s restroom to do a bunch of the Devil’s Dust with three other people and got caught by the owner. Instead of owning up to it and saying sorry, he took his shirt off and tried to fight the owner of the bar. He got kicked out. It was tight.

 So we got shut down kind of early, but we made sure to go hard as fuck on the last song. I’m pretty sure a lot of people hate us for flicking them all off for four minutes straight, while dancing in circles in the DJ booth.

 FUCKN PARTYTIME parties are fun. We really had nothing to do with it at all. It could have been better. But we did what we could on short hand notice.

 And some other girl sent me mass texts saying my life is fucked. She is probably right.

 Music: 5 stars.

Alcohol: 5 stars.

Girls: 4 stars.

Weirdness: 3 stars.

Pea Heads: 3 stars.

 Overall: 8 out of 10 stars. 

Dec. 31, 2011

Wheeler Street Cincinnati Ohio 45219

                                               FUCKN PARTYTIME PARTY

 Listen here pea heads. I know we always go to your parties and rate that shit and make fun of you guys and you probably think “fuck those dudes, who gave them the right to rate parties?” So we threw our own party. And it blew all your dumb parties out of the water. We party what we preach.

 Ok so here is how this shit went down.

 We went to the party early and built a stage, including a table for DJ Macko, hung a sheet with balloons from the ceiling, procured 30 pieces of Richies chicken, blew up 216 balloons by mouth and built one of the most solid playlists to ever be assembled. We were ready to rage.

 And then shit got weird. The music started playing and my little brother, the weedman, started crushing. Like, unbelievable moves. People couldn’t believe it. He went so hard before anyone got there that he was sweating before 20 people were at the party. That boy goes hard.

 So people start getting there and shit gets wild. Chicken bones are flying all over the place, the sheet with balloons gets ripped down and people start stomping the floor. Every possible space in the god damn house, including the stage, the stairs, the speakers, the couch, a weird table and a windowsill were occupied with people straight tearing it up. The weedman had all his clothed besides his boxers off at one point.

 I tried to take over the mic but people were all over it. I finally got a chance to yell some hype man shit. I choose to yell “let me hear yo asses hit the floor,” and I led a woot woot chant. Greatest moment of my life.

 Anyways, DJ Macko kept it coming with the bangers. It is literally too impossible for me to put together a sentence that explains how easy it is to DJ and how DJ Macko learned how to get a whole party going hard as fuck with in hours of buying the equipment.

 We missed the countdown for midnight, but there were plenty of fake countdowns so no one really minded. I got my midnight kiss and I headed back up to the stage. At this point the whip cream we had bought, about 12 bottles, was being sprayed all over the place including bottles upon bottles of champagne all over the place. People were fucking covered in a mixture of whip cream and champagne. Anyways, I am on the stage killing it and this girl runs up out of no where and tries to kiss me right in front of this super cute girl I was trying to get with. Needless to say the cute girl got pissed and ran away. So I chased her down.

 This is where shit hit the fan. Apparently while I was in the basement to this apartment building doing drugs with this girl, two fights broke out. The first, I am told, started when this girl pushed some other girl and a fight erupted. Well this girl me and the weedman know was caught in the middle. Being the nice guy he is, the weedman wrapped up our friend and tried to drag he away but in doing so wrapped up her arms and gave a free shot to the other girl who capitalized on the situation. She straight lit up the girl we knew and busted he lip so bad her tooth was hanging out the lip. Snaggletooth.

 Simultaneously another fight broke out outside between some straight edge kids and some thug dudes who crashed the party. From what I hear, and do not believe, some straight edge kid tried to fight a thug dude. After the fight the thug dude went and got a gun. When he came back with the gun, the straight edge kid took the gun from him, shot it twice in the air and another straight edge kid cut one of the thugs. Then it ended. Like I said, I don’t really believe it.

 A lot of other fucked up shit probably went down, but it was literally impossible to move so many people were in this house. I didn’t even go in the kitchen to see the fiasco’s going down in there.

 So I come up from the basement and there is straight up a line out the door to the apartment, down the stairs to the first floor, out the foyer, off the porch and down a few more stairs. Bitch, we threw a house party with a line to get in. Get on our level.

 Me and this girl head back up and start crushing the dance floor some more. But people started freaking out about the hoods who had crashed the party and the gun fight outside. It was dumb. They made us shut down the music, but not before I saw a thug ass girls tit fall out her shirt. It was a good time to leave.

Almost everyone of my friends got in a fight on the way home. We killed it.

Shout out, to all the fine betties that came out. It was ass soup in that bitch.

HOLLAR ATCHA BOY!

P.s. Thanks to the girls who live at the house for letting us destroy their apartment.

Hope everyone had fun.

Music: 5 stars.

Alcohol: 5 stars.

Girls: 5 stars.

Weirdness: 5 stars.

Pea Heads: 5 stars.

Overall: 10 stars out of ten.

Dec. 27, 2011

McMillan Street Cincinnati OH 45219

                                              Broke the Dance Floor

 These girls stepped their shit up. They usually slack on the parties, but this one was fucking tight. Shit got weird and we lassoed that shit up.

 So we roll up into this party and they have a DJ from some radio station playing some music. He was actually kind of killing it. I mean my boy played Kreayshawn.

 The crew was straight murdering the dance floor. Straight up that floor was shaking. We almost bust through that shit. And everyone was getting in on it. Some people were doing their own thing, some people were standing on shit, some people were straight grinding hard on some Betties. Shit got real.

 And the birthday girl went the hardest. That girl was drunk as fuck. I don’t even think I’ve ever been that drunk. And she was all over the place. Every time I saw her she was pouring a huge glass of whiskey or something. She was straight getting it.

 Anyways, lets just say the team was killing it off the dance floor as well. My one boy had this girl wrapped up making out with her on the dance floor. My other dude was straight bouncing from girl to girl. He was on fire. As for me, this girl was trying to get it on the dance floor but that just isn’t my style so I kept telling her no way. But she was not having it. She attacked me while my guard was down. Whatever.

Then when shit was quieting down my boy tried to kiss this girl and her cousin or brother or some shit was standing right next to them and this dude turns to my boy and tells him he should probably just go back inside. Fucking cock block. Little does he know my boys got her number. So fuck you.

There isn’t much more to say expect we straight killed it on the dance floor. Get the fuck on our level.

And I pissed in the pee bucket.

We did not have time to take pictures. To busy slaughtering the dance floor.

Music: 5 stars.

Alcohol: 2 stars.

Girls: 4 stars.

Weirdness: 5 stars.

Pea Heads: 3 stars.

 Overall: 9 stars out of ten.

Dec. 9, 2011

Stratford Street Cincinnati OH, 45219

We Woot Woot While We Work

 We roll up to this party that is busting at the seams with people trying to mob inside. I follow the herd up to the front door, but that shit was blocked up like a toilet after Andre the Giant got done with that shit. I stilled tried to shove my way in, but it was impassable. I saw a black guy squeeze in though. But, I mean, come on, it was a black guy.

Anyways, I roll back over to the stairs at the front of the house and kick it with the homies. Then the good shit starts happening. I look towards the side of the house, about 100 feet from where I am, and see this huge black guy towering over every else throwing some hay makers on to an anonymous dome in the crowd. I immediately start barking. It’s instinct.

So the dude that was getting pounding on makes his way through the crowd right up to me and my friends. Some other people are trying to get him out of the party and he’s kind of wrestling with them and bumping into us and shit. Finally this dude tried to walk down the dirt path next to the stairs and falls flat on his back. I mean this dude could hardly stand, let alone tackle any sort of incline. We all start yelling shit at this kid lying on the ground.

“Roll him down the hill,” and “fuck that dude,” and then my dude came out of nowhere, from the depths of the party, and yells “kill him,” super loud and then starts woot wooting. The crowd loved it, except for the drunken dudes boy who yelled at us and said he was a human and we couldn’t roll him down the hill.

The drunken dude finally made it to the sidewalk and started crying a little and falling all over the place. It was embarrassing. Then a bunch of people started fucking with him. All I remember is mass people yelling shit at the drunk dude and the drunk dude yelling back he will fight us while he is laying on the ground with tear streaks going down his face.

He finally made it to his house, which was 6 houses away, and as his friends dragged him up the stairs he was still saying he was going to fight us. That dude was a champion in my eyes. I salute you. You made a party tight. That dude got on my level.

Music: 1 star.

Alcohol: 1 star.

Girls: 1 star.

Weirdness: 5 stars.

Pea Heads: 5 stars.

Overall: 7 stars out of ten.

Dec. 2, 2011

Wheeler Street, Cincinnati OH 45219

Name Games and Black Guys

Went over to this party at some dudes house because you can climb on homeboys roof and look at the city and drink beer, but it was covered in ice for some reason. I didn’t let it get me down though.

I was chilling on the porch outside with some of my friends when this dude came up and gave me a bunch of rum. He was nice guy. He got me drunk. His name was Drew. Someone made a joke that if there was a who-can-say-their-name-the-quickest type of game, Drew would for sure be the winner. He loved that joke.

Started talking to this black dude I work with because my friend was trying to get his street cred up and everyone knows the only way to do that is to befriend a black man. I have yet to ask him if his street cred went up or not, but I am sure it did. The black guy and him are basically besties after talking on that porch.

It got cold as fuck, so I headed inside to warm my little body. It was pretty dope inside. They had some weird dubstep band playing right when I walked inside, but it ended quickly and they started to play some rap or some shit. It was all right.

So I’m standing in this corner, talking to people, dancing a little and for some reason I need to throw up immediately. So I throw up in my hand and dump the contents of my stomach behind a speaker or some shit. When I turn back around and try to act like nothing happened, I see this super cute girl looking absolutely disgusted. I smiled at her and gave her a cheers with my beer. She was bummed.

I was pretty inebriated at this point, so I don’t really remember anything else that went on for a little while, but I am pretty sure someone stole my phone because I have so many pictures of random people now. Good thing they gave it back to me.

Near the end of the party my boy rolled in and told me some dude had a bat, or a ball-peen hammer or some shit and he was trying to bash some fools with it. I was drunk as fuck, so I just stumbled home.

Music: 3 stars.

Alcohol: 2 stars.

Girls: 5 stars. 

Weirdness: 4 stars.

Pea Heads: 4 stars

 Overall: 7 stars out of ten.